it is with deep sorrow I reach out for comfort and perspective as my marriage crumbles before my eyes. I regret not ending my relationship sooner however I am not married of 7 years and have 2 children a 4yo and a 1yo. since my 1st born, we have had serious issues with intimacy (mental as well as physical) and also moral battles, and financial struggles. my wife chooses to conform to society, adopts a conservative approach to christianity and supports the patriarchal model of life. i.e. man head of house, breadwinner, women submissive and a house wife and nurturer of children. she presents an image of femininity to my daughters that I do not agree with at all and chooses to conform to society and the princess model shaving her body hair and using make up and dress to make herself pretty and wishes to pass this legacy onto my girls. while I myself as a man no nothing of what it means to be a woman today in 2016, I can assure anybody that god does not will anyone to alter their natural presentation especially to accentuate false differences between genders. we have serious financial struggles with debt (both carry student loans, car payments, and credit cards). we own nothing except what we wear on our backs and are unable to break even every month with the everyday expenses of healthcare and life and this is with me producing 90% of our income at the expense of my physical presence in the home, my wife makes a few dollars more then me an hour, and has access to better cheeper healthcare if she chooses to work and her hourly rate would be somewheres 38-45 an hour and has options to work any hour out the 24 hrs in a day, and also any day of the 7 per week. I myself make around 38 dollars but am at the top of my pay scale at a job I hate. however I can self schedule my hours and am able to work what ever I want 24-60 hours a week at that rate but have poor expensive health care. currently we pay around $6000 a year and have individual deductibles of $2500 and family deductible of $5000. this is the equivalent of taking mourned $11,000 off my income before taxes, so if I were to work a job were I worked 40 hours a week at a respectable place the annual income would be $54,000 (median for my occupation). after health insurance and taxes that is roughly 36,000 a year which is 800 dollars less (negative) then our monthly running costs of basic necessities. if we both worked part time (24 hours a week) we would be at +$2000, and be equal contributors to our homeschooling dreams. our children would not have to go to daycare, and we would not have any expenses of childcare, they would always be with one of us.
where does god fit into the destruction of my family?
Over the past four years my spirituality has changed as a christian as I have lost my ego, and educated my self to the history of my lord. my wife has also changed and become more conservative she is homophobic, and also believes marijuana to be a sin even though it is legal in my state. she condems me for using marijuana and wishes to teach my children that it is a sin even though we both know they will likely try it. she feels I'm a poor role model for my kids because I smoke and grow marijuana. I respect that I child should not use marijuana until age of 21 and understand it may be harmful to them and do not smoke in the house or around them and my plant is secured and in accordance with state laws.
she believes that god made man to provide financially for their families, and that women were made to be house wives and nurtures of the children. she offers that after I work 60 hours a week I can have what ever time I want to try and nurture my children however I feel I am so physically and mentally drained at the end of the day that I feel nurture to be a burden so it is at the expense of my relationship with my children. she feels that I need jesus for strength to overcome these weaknesses and that my absence of physical presence to everyday life is god ordained.
she accuses me of laziness for not being able to provide for my families, even though I have no friends, and no hobbies. all my time is devoted to house hold chores, children rearing and work. I wish to decrease my hours to 24 a week so I can spend more time with my children and participate in homeschooling more actively. sure I smoke marijuana every day thats not something I try to hide, but my conscious is clear and my heart is with god and my family.
she accuses me of being controlling, and verbally abusive because I lash out when I feel threatened as she tries to push me into breadwinning, and fit me in a box of what she thinks a "saved christian should look like". accusing me of trying to control her because I have told her she must work part time now as she's been out of work for a year with our second born. to me our family our family to survive and get out of dept and possibly get a place of our own (even if its a shed in the woods I hold no passiveness to material possessions) we have to work together as partners. I understand that breast feeding on demand is an important thing for a child for the first two years of its life, but I also understand that a baby will accommodate a working schedule by increasing nursing when ever mom is available and decreasing when mom isn't home. my wife states she intends to not work or work less then 8 hours a week as long as we have children under five and she wants to have a 3rd next year. we have piles of incoming unexpected bills from medical expenses, taxes, ect. her car is going to need serious service over the next year if it even lasts that long in which she will need another one. the future is unknown and to me running a family on negative every month is not an option. sure her and I as well as children can decrease our needs to accommodate poverty but theres no money to contribute to education and when homeschooling that makes things difficult.
we have been to a licensed family counselor two years ago before my second was conceived when she advised us to not have any more children, and to get a divorce. I wanted to have more children and I wanted to make my wife happy. at the time we were both working part time and finishing out bachelors degrees. I never in a million years anticipated her being out of work for this past year. in Jan 2016 we consulted a pastor of a church as a last resort. this is the birth of the conservative in my wife as he instructed the very things my wife holds onto now. that god does not intend women to work, but made house work for women to serve and nurture children. and that men are to provide financially for the family as they are incapable of nurturing as women are as god did not make men to nurture. when this happened I rejected the pastor, the church, and my wife. we fought for months, then at her request consulted another pastor for counsling at another church who confirms that god does not specifically designate gendered family roles. however insists that a man is supposed to submit to a wives every desire and that my wife is desiring to not work so I must honor it or I am going against gods will of a husband and wife.
since my wife believes that her body is a temple of god, she refuses to use a vibrator anymore or provide clitoral stimulation during sex (mine or herself). she believes that sex is for making children, she refuses any form of contraception (even pulling out), refuses to participate in sex, but will offer her body as a sacrifice to the lord at my request. since then I have moved away from sex with her. since we can't have a conversation for 10 minutes without disrespecting each other why should we be having sex anyway? so after a significant period of sexlessness I got caught by her meeting my needs while watching porn. she insists that I have now cheated on her, even though she knows that I view porn as I have made it a goal to not view porn twice only failed due to 30-36 days of no physical contact or sex what so ever. each time I failed at going porn free I told her. back when we dated we viewed porn together many times, and utilized sex toys for mutual fulfillment. my viewing pornography should not have been a surprise. However, I do agree that porn is bad, and I would boycott it as I realize it promotes violence against women, and I do not see it in a committed relationship. while I try to accept that my wifes body is not made for my physical pleasure, and that viewing her body as a sex object is harmful to her sexuality, at the same time I have needs. since our first born she insists that breast are not a sexual organ, and that they are for feeding children giving her the right to take them out any time, anywhere to feed the child (which I support) yet retracting them from me and not offering them (or really any of her body) to the sexual experience.
things have taken a turn for the worse. she is now 3000+ miles away from me with my children. I told her she has to work or leave and live with her family. I do not will my children to be away from me, but will not break them apart if my wife resists. and its not an option. so now we stand, divided. She insists that she is unable to work any more then 5-8 hours a week, and refuses to accept that I am unable to work full time as I will to nurture my children as well and be a physical part of their life. besides, even if I did commit every hour I had to paid employment we would still be in debt and my children would suffer. so why waste my time at work loosing my kids when its not enough anyway.
I demand equality or no relationship at all. I demand a co-parental, co-earner relationship family co-op where everybody does their share including children. I demand equal rights with my children including the right to veto any educational aspect I do not agree with (primary her narrow religious views) if she is able to veto mine (she wishes to teach gods vision of humanity as binary and homsexuality to be a sin, ect. I demand equal time to nurture my children including equal time to care for children needs without other partner present (time to bond), and I demand equal time for self development, social life, and equal commitment to financial family support unless one of us is physical disabled or unable due to illness/injury. basically I demand an egalitarian relationship, unfortunately its up against the cost of loosing a family altogether.
I understand the problems associated with children growing up without their biological father present, and I understand that if Im fighting for more time with my kids that the expense of my marriage seems contradictory however I have accepted that I can still nurture my children as a non resident father. I care for my children deeply but can't go on anymore. I have been asking for help from my wife for 5 years and she's done nothing but degrade/disrespect me by believing i am not a man because I don't provide money for my family, corner me and force me out of my home to spend all my time working to meet the demands of a working class family of 2016, and also denying me the ability to choose a job for happiness/self fullfillment as my employment choices are based on pay not on choice, denied me the time for self development to grow as a person due to stress and work, and also denied me the right to be the father I want to be by enforcing gender roles in my family.
hugs, help, and support are needed.