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Expressing psychedelic craziness to others


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#1 Guy1298

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Posted 24 October 2016 - 01:25 AM

Heh. Not in the expressible mood. I guess. 

 

Edited away the previous post. 

 

I crave for a life away from this one, even though I can sit back happily on occassion.


Edited by Guy1298, 24 October 2016 - 02:13 AM.

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#2 Coopdog

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Posted 24 October 2016 - 03:29 AM

hope all is well with you man! Peace and be safe...


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#3 Guy1298

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 01:29 AM

Thanks for the concern. Nothing really new. 

 

Been meditating a lot lately. Getting to some really nice happy states with the added effect of pleasure. But I think I can't seem to maintain the high, of course. Probably once or twice in a week I feel overwhelmed. Still, much less overwhelmed than I used to be. Over the last two years prior to now, I basically went to sleep most times with an escapist anxiety. 

 

It is truly good to get away from that. Probably I'm just repairing myself from those two years of self-mistreatment. Still discovering my purpose. Haha. 

 

Truly, I think we should be a bit angry. This life is trust upon us and we're given no obvious purpose. The purpose and sense of meaning we do find is elusive, maybe it appears when we take a large dose of psychedelics, or maybe it doesn't. Then we look back, and on occasion we think we're crazy. We feel that maybe there is something out there, it gives us a sense of self-love and empathy, gives us a way to think, "Hey, it's gonna be all right!" But without end, feelings and emotions shift, clarity is replaced by craving, self-confidence replaced with relentless self-discomfort. The things that felt like they could save us, feel over and over like lies, alternating again and again between truth and lies. And somehow we consistently suck it up, pull ourselves together and continue. Day after day. Basically ignorant of the content of the lives of the people around us, unable to consistently feel the importance of a person, or to feel love and care for them. Trapped in managing ourselves until the day we die. 

 

I was thinking today. Probably psychedelics have given me some hope of spiritual realization, like the existence of god and what not. But, that actually makes it harder for me to accept the life I have to live. Psychedelics never gave me a purpose, and I seem to feel I can live without one. What I'm doing right now feels like it's being done for no reason at all. Haha. And maybe my desire is to let go of the need to take this life so seriously, but that desire to let go can very easily turn into that escapist anxiety I used to have. Probably it is more important to think, why am I not peaceful at this moment? We need to see clearly. Why am I not peaceful? 

 

My neck aches. I have habits and addictions for which I want to change. I don't feel like a person that is liked. Care and love of other people don't come naturally to me. I know that those that love me I will not be able to love in the same way, more than likely I will see them as a burden to my happiness. I am doing something at the moment that doesn't lead me to where I want to go. There are only two places I want to go. One is back to frequent psychedelic use and wherever that goes (which is arguably the less intelligent one.) The other I tend to keep secret. In absence of being able to go to either of those places, I remain here. 

 

Haha. Life is too quick. I have lingering insights about the ridiculousness about human life. And psychedelics have made death more obvious. I feel like I'm living to die. But hard to say, the way I think about life changes so much so often. Etc.



#4 Coopdog

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 02:07 AM

I truly believe that our purpose here, and coincidentally the path to true happiness is to help other people who are in need. Even if that is just offering a smile and a kind word when the world is so cruel and harsh. Service to your fellow man is in my opinion the only real path to feeling better and getting over that escapist mentality. I still feel that from time to time and (like tonight) tend to salve that with alcohol, which is detrimental to every other thing I am trying to do with my life. That being said sometimes I need to escape, and the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety for me, mostly work related as I am in a new job and having a learning curve. Nothing major whatsoever, I just hold myself to impossibly high standards when it comes to my job and have made a couple of dumb mistakes the last couple of days which gives me huge anxiety, so I know just what you mean by that.

 

I decided to ease that by putting in for vacation tomorrow and the next day. I intend to eat drink and be merry tonight, sleep in tomorrow and I won't even feel bad about it because fortunately where I work using your off time benefits is not a terrible thing. Told my co-worker that I will be back on Monday with a new less stressed attitude.

 

I truly believe that our sole purpose here is to help everyone we are logically able to help. Whether that is emotional support, putting food in someone's belly or helping a co-worker who is out of gas money, or even throwing that streetcorner guy a few bucks when you know he is going to do the wrong thing with it, taking in a sick family member, or whatever it is in your power to do, that is our purpose on this world. We have more ability in that regard than we think, and even if you are broke and sorry as hell, there is always something somewhere you can do to brighten someone's day. Do that more often as often as you can and then some, and you will find a level of satisfaction that you never had before. Try it and see.

 

Peace man...


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#5 Sidestreet

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 10:29 AM

 

the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety for me, mostly work related as I am in a new job and having a learning curve. Nothing major whatsoever, I just hold myself to impossibly high standards when it comes to my job and have made a couple of dumb mistakes the last couple of days which gives me huge anxiety, so I know just what you mean by that.

 

Ugh, I am the same way.  And I am with you on the solution!  I try to go further than I have to when people come to me with a problem (even if they don't "deserve it" or they've done something wrong) and it feels great. 


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#6 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 11:20 AM

 

...the way I think about life changes so much so often.

 

Identified as the thinker, and the thoughts, has to feel crazy.  Even feelings are of the conditioned identity.   Did we really have all that much to do with our conditioning?   It was probably even there, beginning in that fluid in the womb.   Then what, a slap on the butt?   Pretty soon we start to think, "I am what gets slapped," instead of simply seeing that I am.   Then it's all just a bunch of differing versions of a story that we try to make sense of, for believing we are the  story.   But the story never stops changing.  How can we be that?   It's all just an attempt to fit experiences with a narrative, and once we get language, it is fuckin' written!    But our pencils have erasers, and we write and rewrite every second of the day and night.   Fuggetaboutit!  

 

We are not what we think.   We are not how it feels.   We are not the thinker/feeler.   We are what can perceive thoughts and feelings, and we're certainly not what edits them into an ever changing story line.  What the belief in identity does is create an illusion that we are this separate thing, banking the belief on being a body/mind.   We are what has a body and mind.   We are awareness before both of those phenomenal experiences.   

 

To see how we have come to accept our conditioned ideas as who we are is to become free, to become a natural human being.   All those revered behaviors that we must work at like some great attainment, as the conditioned self, become simply what happens when the personal charge is removed by seeing what we are not.   Our conditioned personal identity will continue taking us on that ride while we continue to believe that it is who and what we are.  

 

So, when I say, "I," it can mean the believed in, made up, character, or, it can mean undifferentiated awareness.   One of these will always have its agendas, arising out of its never ending battle with the Truth of what Is, to be something (that isn't).  As the awareness, all the things simply appear and disappear.  

 

We are the unchanging.   If you can see it change, is it you?  Or, are you the seeing of it all, the changing and the unchanging?  When, being honest about it, did the seeing ever really change?  

 

That conditioned character we falsely believe ourselves to be is such a burden.    Once it is seen and dropped there is a lightness of being.  Everything that happens is still seen to happen, but it is plainly not us.   We see it as one who is in the world, but not of the world.   As Mooji would say, "It's not that you don't care, it's more that you don't mind."   As Paul Hedderman would say, "You travel lighter."

 

I hope this helps. 

 

Namasté


Edited by Alder Logs, 27 October 2016 - 04:20 PM.

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#7 Guy1298

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 11:57 AM

The closest I've come to living with helping others as my purpose was after my Ayahuasca ceremonies. Haha. Right after, I lost my credit cards and money. I proceeded to give away my ipod, a bunch of clothes and my camera to some random people. I was basically incapable of feeling anxiety at the moment. A girl took me in, helped me out, etc., and my mind was so extremely connected and loving that I promised to give her money for her schooling. It seemed pretty obvious to me that I could get rid of everything I had and still be all right and still figure things out. 

 

I've thought about that time. It was certainly the Ayahuasca. It heightened empathy and made it incredibly easy to feel love for strangers, and disconcern for myself. It didn't last though. 

 

I should definitely spend more time working on being a more compassionate person.


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#8 Guy1298

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 12:06 PM

Hi Alder,

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

 

You've caught me at a bad time. Throughout the week, from meditation I can really come to feel untouchably happy. But it's not the case yesterday or today. Haha. Seeing in a particular way like the one you describe is hard, and maybe I don't see in the same way, but I often feel that I become attached to seeing in the ways that I do see. I want to reproduce however I felt or saw. It makes things a bit hard, of course it comes back again. 

 

I do feel a bit secure in the fact that seeing things in a particularly unburdened way is always possible, if at times a bit hard. Life can be shit, but I know if I wait for awhile it will be golden shit. Or maybe, I know that "Everything will be all right!" Not as a stupid clinging to hope, but as a truth. Who's to say. 



#9 Alder Logs

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 12:13 PM

I should definitely spend more time working on being a more compassionate person.

 

Fuggetaboutit!

 

Would you actually be that person?  What if you had no time?   If there is no time but the present, who are you, right now?   Could it be that you are what is seeing/being right now?  

 

Let yourself off the hook of being, or getting to be, anything.   Seeing is an activity, not a thing.   We are verbs, not nouns.

 

The remembered past can be remembered just about any way.   Doesn't that give it a ring of bullshit?   What you are can only be now.   Drop self judgments.  They are of the changing self image, made of nothing except the equally changing beliefs.   

 

I hope this doesn't make it worse.


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#10 pharmer

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Posted 27 October 2016 - 07:48 PM

why not have the purpose you choose?

 

Your purpose is not thrust upon you. Short of being drafted, enslaved, or given a death sentence your time is yours.

 

Wanna try to cure cancer? get to it.

 

Wanna bang 100 beautiful chicks before July? get to it.

 

Wanna help a hundred people? go for it.

 

what makes you happy? go for that.

 

maybe it's easier said than done but any of those are attainable if you're willing to prioritize and sacrifice to meeting those goals

 

well, maybe not the cancer thing but if trying makes you happy then get happy

 

and I'll do any of your drugs you're not going to  :)


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#11 Guy1298

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Posted 29 October 2016 - 08:24 PM

Heh, a bad mood can really draw you back. The above posts by me are representations of a momentarily depressed mind. Who's to say if they're real or not? I think we have the power to accept how things are, to move on to find happiness without any spiritually perfect presentation or purpose. 

 

Feel quite fine right now. Thanks for the support, thoughts, etc. 


Edited by Guy1298, 29 October 2016 - 08:24 PM.


#12 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 29 October 2016 - 10:17 PM

This person who posts right now... is it the same person who reads the post ten minutes, ten days or ten years later? No. Therefore, as Alder has pointed out a gazillion times, the observer is not the person anymore than the person who wrote this post is the same person, with the same name who then writes his next, or his next after that.

So here is the unchanging observer, with a blob of clay called "a person" and that blob of clay keeps changing but the observer simply watches it. But I guess sometimes I forget and watch so hard I think I am the person blob.... he heh...
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#13 Alder Logs

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Posted 30 October 2016 - 12:01 AM

You made me smile, Steam.


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#14 Guy1298

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Posted 30 October 2016 - 12:02 AM

Heh, just reread what Alder wrote. Very nice. 

 

I don't think I could understand the niceness of it while I was under the power of whatever bad mood I had. I think I get it. When I meditate I get it. 

 

It's probably a scary thing though. There is comfort in the idea that I am that which I observe. There is a sense of safety, predictableness, all the while with the onslaught of anxiety. Perhaps, I'll understand better in the future.


Edited by Guy1298, 30 October 2016 - 12:05 AM.

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#15 Guy1298

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 04:51 PM

I started reading somethings on yoga recently, patanjali's yoga. 

 

I actually never looked into yoga until now. I've read a lot of Buddhism and that tends to create a different but similar view. But I can see that Alder is presenting a view that is very yoga-related. This idea that a pure awareness untouched by the world is your actual self, the world just being something that is observed that we mistake to be ourselves. 

 

Although many Buddhists would hate to hear it, I feel like it accomplishes the same thing that Buddhism does in a way. There's no actual self to see according to Buddhism, no pure awareness that is me. Consciousness even seen from the perspective of being an active ingredient in continued rebirth is not "me". 

 

But yoga does accomplish the same task of Buddhism in that it determines that everything else (in Buddhism's case Everything) is not me. 

 

(I'm mostly referring to a Theravadin Buddhism here, things get more wild outside of it).

 

Good things to think about, and definitely beneficial since I'm just a meditator nowadays.

 

I don't think my meditation glimpses whatever Patanjali or Buddhism was referring to in any real way. I often just think that I've messed with my brain so much with psyches that I get mildly high and have strange thoughts on account of my past drug use, but hey, it is what it is, and sometimes I can become more happy from it than anything else in my life (with the exception of psychs), so I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

 

I think I'm going to let myself engage with these yoga ideas a bit more. It almost seems like it should be incredibly simple. Yeah, we're supposed to get super concentrated, blah blah. But, I think it's simple, haven't we been concentrated before, haven't we partially or fully seen at this point that things aren't me, haven't we already scrambled in fear when a sense of self gets threatened or seems to be falling away in the midst of a psychedelic experience. Don't we already know, in the back of our minds? 


Edited by Guy1298, 02 November 2016 - 05:03 PM.


#16 Alder Logs

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 06:58 PM

I guess one just cannot think something that isn't a thought.  There's no leaving the mental state, as the mental state.

 

It is said awakening is an accident, and that spiritual practices do not create awakening, only that they can make you accident prone.


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#17 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 02 November 2016 - 10:02 PM

I had a high thought,
Just the other day,
That I am not real,
In a very real way.

What if the Eye,
That looks through the I,
Is the same eye,
That's looks through you?

What if we are a lens,
Or a part of a wheel,
A single observer,
Through us, thinks and feels?

Like clothing in our closet,
This Eye wears us all,
Like skins on tribesman,
The beast comes to call.

What is this feeling?
The ghost in the machine,
That stirs when you and I,
Lock eyes, and see ourselves.
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#18 Guy1298

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 01:50 AM

I'm not sure if everyone here has the same history with psychs here as I do, I don't think so. I basically isolated myself during the last couple years in college and began using mushrooms weekly. 

 

Lost a "good" friend and realized that I really didn't have many, if any, positive relationships. 

 

I feel like everyone lives entirely differently. Sees their use of drugs or their spirituality/religion/purpose differently. I imagine I'm just at the start of my life. Still don't have an idea. Yet, many people have taught me to feel dead and incapable. The organization of my life in society perpetuates a sense of oncoming failure. It will be nice the day that I say fuck it, but that probably won't be until my father dies. 

 

What did it do for me? Without it, I'm sure that I would have never known unconditional love or known even small bits of a true happiness. 

 

Maybe there is something amazing and pure, some realization that surpasses all others. But, I'm just glad I am the way I am and not the way I could have been. I will be happy to die, as I say often enough. I'm grateful at least that there are mountains to climb, of which my mind hasn't already decided aren't worth climbing.


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#19 Alder Logs

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 01:25 PM

 

The Truth is simple.  The seeker of Truth is complex.

~Mooji

 

As I have said around here before.  One of the first things that became clear when tripping balls, no matter with whom else I may have tripped, everyone there was on their own trip.  Even empathy is in some part, a seeing from our own perspectives.   We are one in that we all must and will find the One.   But even in that, every snowflake is different, except in its snowflakeness.   

 

Namasté.


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#20 Guy1298

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Posted 03 November 2016 - 01:25 PM

I think my argument against some disconnected self has been that it doesn't correspond to my identity in this world, which is the very foundation upon which I attempt to understand this stuff. If I were a disconnected self, in what way does that actually solve the problems of my identity as it functions here and now?  

 

That's what I've thought at least. But probably it's more like the relationship between a father and son. The father might live vicariously through the son. But, he isn't the son. Taken a bit further, it is like playing a role-playing game. Assuming you let yourself get to the point of mistaken identity with the game, in trying to solve problems for yourself within the game you might occasionally see that you're actually just a person playing a game. Seeing that actually should destroy your sense of identity with the game, eventually. Maybe the game persona was the reason for seeing it, but the game's purpose was destroyed in seeing it. 

 

That means, that my initial argument doesn't work. A disconnected self is certainly a strong enough realization to remove the sense of importance of a mistaken identity. 


Edited by Guy1298, 03 November 2016 - 01:30 PM.

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