I've been up and down lately. But, I think I'm settled for the last few days. It truly is strange how stress and new more challenging experiences can change you. Eventually you realize the thing that you found completely dreadful or impossible is the day to day.
Tonight, I was partially meditating, wouldn't call it meditating if I'm not doing it for quite awhile and more focused-like. Just me sitting on the floor between fits of scrambling to entertain myself, avoiding work.
I've had times while I meditate where I let go. This letting go is mostly a "not caring if I die at this moment" sort of thing. Either it is making the idea of dying at this moment true within my mind, or perhaps it is making the idea true that I am already dead. Who knows. I tend to forget the details fairly quickly. But usually it's accompanied by happy feelings.
As I was somewhat meditating tonight, I imagined being far away. Then I realized that the world was still here. The floor beneath my feet was still there, I still felt it. It might sound strange, but I found it strange that it was there. My mind is disconnected enough to imagine itself far away, completely escaped from the world, yet the world manifests to it in one particular way. Why should it be just this way? This was the sense of strangeness I felt. It was also accompanied by happy feelings.
Disconnection is useful. From the perspective of my day-to-day self, life is a burden, the things required of me weigh upon me constantly, my personality and how it relates to the world. It seems like an endless struggle, with small glimpses of happiness here and there, mostly due to psychedelics (and meditation to a lesser degree). But this perspective isn't true if you're able to disconnect yourself in small ways. What burden is my life, if I was just a million miles away, forever, gone, and back? Concentrative meditation is sometimes like this, but I think more simply just knowing yourself to be disconnected (without the reality of disconnection) can yield this sense of acceptance.
Of course, I'm just a neurotic guy. Haha. I know there are people getting tortured. Hard to know it I think. Some people don't even have the opportunity to disconnect from their fantastically anxious life.