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Imagining myself far away

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#1 Guy1298



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Posted 27 November 2016 - 03:48 AM

I've been up and down lately. But, I think I'm settled for the last few days. It truly is strange how stress and new more challenging experiences can change you. Eventually you realize the thing that you found completely dreadful or impossible is the day to day. 


Tonight, I was partially meditating, wouldn't call it meditating if I'm not doing it for quite awhile and more focused-like. Just me sitting on the floor between fits of scrambling to entertain myself, avoiding work.


I've had times while I meditate where I let go. This letting go is mostly a "not caring if I die at this moment" sort of thing. Either it is making the idea of dying at this moment true within my mind, or perhaps it is making the idea true that I am already dead. Who knows. I tend to forget the details fairly quickly. But usually it's accompanied by happy feelings.


As I was somewhat meditating tonight, I imagined being far away. Then I realized that the world was still here. The floor beneath my feet was still there, I still felt it. It might sound strange, but I found it strange that it was there. My mind is disconnected enough to imagine itself far away, completely escaped from the world, yet the world manifests to it in one particular way. Why should it be just this way? This was the sense of strangeness I felt. It was also accompanied by happy feelings.


Disconnection is useful. From the perspective of my day-to-day self, life is a burden, the things required of me weigh upon me constantly, my personality and how it relates to the world. It seems like an endless struggle, with small glimpses of happiness here and there, mostly due to psychedelics (and meditation to a lesser degree). But this perspective isn't true if you're able to disconnect yourself in small ways. What burden is my life, if I was just a million miles away, forever, gone, and back? Concentrative meditation is sometimes like this, but I think more simply just knowing yourself to be disconnected (without the reality of disconnection) can yield this sense of acceptance.


Of course, I'm just a neurotic guy. Haha. I know there are people getting tortured. Hard to know it I think. Some people don't even have the opportunity to disconnect from their fantastically anxious life.  

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#2 Guy1298



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Posted 27 November 2016 - 04:01 AM

I'd guess that is also the happiness I find in psychedelics. The disconnection, it is as though I can and do believe that life will never be the same, that the spirits in the trees are gods come to take me back home. And then, I'm back. Haha. Some deep feelings of love there. Truly. 


I've been having ideas of something godly more often nowadays, it's a common point upon which my mind finds itself resting, this sense of being seen and being known and knowing that I don't know shit, but it will be all right. It's been recurring more often, not sure what to think of it, yet. 


Haha. I just remembered that when I first starting doing psychedelics and had some hard times I had this realization that they weren't for me. There is real fear and hardship in meeting with the unknown and allowing your mind to open to the possibility of real insanity. Yet, I'm still here. Though, I feel I haven't really had an intense psychedelic experience to speak of. 


Why is it? Last time I tripped I was convinced that the world had ceased existing or that such a thing was possible, I felt momentarily and completely disconnected from my body and mind to avoid the fears that seemed possible in reality. Just the fact that one other person exists is enough to create such deep fear. With just one person existing, you are in a place where you can possibly be murdered, tortured, or even worse you might find yourself gone insane doing harm to the world. With living things all around you and a concept of morality and a self to possess or uphold morality life becomes infinitely dangerous against the backdrop of freedom.


I remember feeling like I was stuck or would be stuck and praying to god as though I held him in my hand in the darkness. I was a child begging, infinitely tiny in the darkness. But, still haven't gotten the message I'm looking for from psychs. Haha. 


I imagine the lack of a "message" is just the nature of being. A man that is depressed will suffer as deeply as ever no matter how deeply he suffered the last time he felt depressive. The man doesn't realize he already did all of this before and already found it's end. My "message" is the same. I forget again and again that I've already been to the point where I never want to take a psych again. And the desire for a supposed "message" reignites in the absence of that memory.

Edited by Guy1298, 27 November 2016 - 04:21 AM.

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#3 mjroom



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Posted 27 November 2016 - 02:17 PM

something you might want to consider is micro dosing. I have been micro dosing since mid August. While not the big impact of a full blown trip a micro dose can be almost as effective. The great thing about micro dosing is you can affect a much greater amount of change to your neural networks because you can do it much more frequently. I have recently started to micro dose over night and wake up feeling very good. For every two trips you can take in a month you can micro dose 8 times that's twice a week I do Sunday and Wednesday. You can in this way keep the maximum amount of dmt in your brain to re build and restructure. You shroom stash will last longer and I think you might get more benefit. Hope this may be of interest. mjroom.



Edited by mjroom, 27 November 2016 - 02:18 PM.

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#4 Guy1298



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Posted 27 November 2016 - 07:25 PM

Heh, those posts sound quite negative. I didn't mean them to. 


I'll consider micro-dosing next time I grow. :). 

#5 Guy1298



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Posted 28 November 2016 - 05:08 AM

I suspect I've just been away from psychedelics for far too long. Too scholastic nowadays. 


I'll have myself a good run by the end of the year and a clearer perspective for sure.  :biggrin:

Edited by Guy1298, 28 November 2016 - 05:09 AM.

#6 Guy1298



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Posted 07 December 2016 - 04:48 AM

We have to love each other. I'd guess. Don't get stuck trying to explain life. Accept those things in your past that you're uncomfortable with. It's all right to be idiotic in ways. Without knowing yourself to be that way at times, you miss an almost universal aspect of human life. 


What makes me look at one person's life and devalue it and another person's life and value it? Why is it that I require that I am understood in order to value another person's life? I understand that from his perspective no matter what shit is in his life, he values it, in a sense. If only that if he were given happiness and a release from his responsibility, he would value his life more than anything. Too many bitter memories make him hate his friends and because he cannot move forward in any way. He's old now, drunk in the street, uneducated, jobless, mostly disliked by his family. 


I can't really say that I value his life. But I imagine one should at least hope to be able to value other people's lives, assuming you don't already. So I should hope that I can value his life. I tend to value things related to me. I cannot value a person that I haven't met in some direct or indirect way. Yet I sometimes imagine that I can value the masses. But probably I can't. 


I can think of a person and know that they are alive at this moment. I can know that they wake up in the morning. I imagine the pains they have in their body. I imagine from the details of their life that I know how they feel with regard to their life and their day. What do they think when they eat more than they should? When they drink more alcohol? When they feed the cat? Do they feel the same that I do about my animals. I imagine they do. When the night comes, I think they are sleeping, breathing and dreaming. They have things to regret, I know it. But they live. 


Why do we keep living when our bodies become so much of a burden? So much pain, so that we can continue what was already painful. I guess, we do it for the pure happiness that arises from time to time. Maybe I live so that I feel that again? More likely is that fears and a guarantee prevent most people from discarding themselves. The unknown is full of fear. Swimming in a lake with sharks underneath the surface. You thought life was on the surface, but life is really in the deep. And we're guaranteed a visit.


Daily life is too much focusing on habits, habits drive a person nuts assuming he wants to be anything. Because perfection is impossible. Look at yourself. One moment your compelled to be the best form of yourself, the next you slip into disarray. Distraction and an impulse for pleasure drive you like an animal. The more personality you build up around it the more you think it isn't. Crazy becomes sane, then sane become crazy. And if you see it, you see yourself, nothing to get rid of. That's you. I wouldn't destroy my house thinking it's a cage. What would I do without it? But, perhaps I would have plenty to do, if only I destroyed it completely.  


Who knows? I'd guess I still don't have a grasp on what's going on. But I'd benefit from expressing care in the most disconnected way. When I see one action that is good or right, I feel an ocean of future action, endless and destined to failure. I guess you might think that you can build something. Perhaps you build things without your knowledge of it. There's possibly a need to reconcile contradictory views. 

#7 Alder Logs

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Posted 07 December 2016 - 10:09 AM

Perfection is inevitable.   It is steady state, before judgment.  


All the somethings are impossible, an illusion choosing to choose an illusion.  


FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.       We are not what we think.




It takes something to be sad.  It takes nothing to be happy.



This old body has been crippled for the past few days with its spine misaligned.  Walking with canes.   Pains that can buckle the knees and drop it to the ground.  I am not that.   There is thanks for life, for this instant.  Happiness need not arise.   This would be the illusion that it could ever not be there.    We can believe we are our story of what seemingly is, and what seemingly was, and we write so much of that story with its plot demanding this and that of what seemingly will be.    Perhaps its strongest illusion is that what has the body, is the body, or what has the mind, is the mind.  


Being is the reality, doing, the illusion.  Even the seeming having is illusion.   In being, illusion is seen.  The story is not our story, so much as a story.   Like a fingerprint, no two tellings, or hearings, will be exactly the same.   We might think we own the story, while we let it own us.  


There is always the invitation to be.

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#8 Guy1298



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Posted 07 December 2016 - 07:41 PM

Thanks for the kernel of wisdom, Alder. 

#9 Guy1298



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Posted 09 December 2016 - 03:32 AM

I think that probably no matter how you look at it true things look false until you know they are true. True things look crazy, until you see they are true. 


We might have our delusions, or see delusions in what other people think. We could trust logic, but I think there are more fundamental problems that don't benefit from logic. Somehow I've been taught that I am the owner of myself. It's crazy to think that I'm not. Just like it's crazy to let go of the responsibilities you have towards yourself and others, even if it were just to take place temporarily. 


I guess for this reason, I'm cool with how I've been doing lately. I'm not doing badly, just struggling more with myself than usual. Too few distractions really. I stay inside with little to do but deal with my habits, entertainment, self-developmental activities, etc. Too little socialization, I'd guess. But even so, I think it is good. Learning quite a bit from this, like usual. Perhaps the crazier ideas need to be explored a bit more. They seem like they're incompatable with your life, but maybe they aren't. 


Sometimes when I meditate I feel as though I let go of the most crucial things I must do. Hard to explain. It's closer to thinking I don't own myself, but even more close to thinking I was never myself, but I am now. Perhaps there's potential for some psychological mishap here. Mental dysfunction and what not, but it's only an idea. I've thought crazier things for sure. I remember I once was so delusional while tripping that I asked my friend to leave with me. I was going to leave known existence, I was free, in supposedly perfect control, gone into the beyond. "Come with me!" Haha. Nuts. But if I can endure a mind as delusional as that can't I take a bit of experimentation with ideas? 


Pretty much the machine is broken. It keeps thinking in the wrong ways, it just burdens itself more and more. If we're to be a bit Buddhist about it, the burden is that I don't realize I have been crazy from the very beginning. Gotta cut out the bullshit, but I'd suspect most of all of it is bullshit. Hahaha. 


But I was just lying in bed thinking. This isn't mine. So it's not mine. I guess. The impulse to feel like that thought is crazy appears, it makes me see the world thinking that I'm crazy. Criticisms abound. People love responsibility and ownership and they want to infuse you with it. Their responsibility is truth and they want to pull you down into it. The act of not believing in your responsibility and ownership does not necessarily lead to a harmful ignorance of responsibility or irresponsible action. If someone hasn't felt the end of their view of responsibility and ownership how can they know it's effect? In any event, I have often found that being happy for no reason is more beneficial than concern when it comes to how you benefit others. 


Just some opinions I guess. I can't imagine I'm bothering anyone too much with these posts. Don't spend too much time reading or responding to what I write. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot see into what other people say to what they're really saying. 

Edited by Guy1298, 09 December 2016 - 04:44 AM.

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