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Drugs were the Catalyst: Bipolar disorder, Mania, Psychosis.


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#1 niemandgeist

niemandgeist

    You make me happy in a manic sort of way :)

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Posted 11 December 2016 - 06:11 PM

Over many long months, I've kept thinking to myself: "I need to write about my experiences." Yet, I haven't managed to do so. I did try to start one or two threads about bipolar disorder and my experiences with it, but to leave out my experimentation with drugs, and where it began, and how it came to the present day, I simply cannot manage to write a narrative that can in any way accurately convey what I've been through.

 

So, I've started this thread, after a great amount of thought over more than 6 months. Some of the older folks here will note that, for quite some time, I've been more absent from this forum than acting as an active participant.

 

Well, with this thread, it changes.

 

"Storming the Gates" seems to be a far better fitting place to house these tales, as the drugs, at first, before I started taking medications to treat my mental illness, certainly acted as a catalyst, propelling my madness to greater heights than man is intentioned to experience.

 

Like Icarus, I found that I was able to soar to heights beyond the sun, but eventually, the vast void that lay before me, its gaping maw spread wide, and within it a faint glimmer, which I later discovered to be merely the horror of the future reflecting in my own eyes, deep within, caused me to be flung, my wings severed, straight down to the Earth, nearly costing me my own life in the process.

 

Struck down by a terror and depression, a deep madness that was all-consuming, a thing that only a person such as myself, with a mind different and far too curious could ever comprehend, I managed to piece my life together slowly over many years and have at least again learned to stand upon my own two legs.

 

You see, I not only stormed the gates: I blew them wide open and, for a time, became trapped within them before I managed to crawl back out of the deep hole I cut out deeper, beyond the very depths of hell.

 

I'm fully committed to putting down my experiences, beginning with my first forays into experimenting with my consciousness, in this thread. It will be a compendium of sorts, to educate, bewilder, and, with hope, amuse you all.

 

My intended process of making updates to this thread is as follows:

 

I will begin with an introduction. I will then, each week, at least once weekly (at the very least hopefully a few times each month), make further entries. However, whenever I make successive entries into this thread, I will first read all of the other existing entries. This will refresh my memory with what's already been told, and will assist me in further contributing, in a more-or-less flowing storyline of my past, something that can be read in whole.

 

Firstly, I'd like to begin this introduction with a song. The song is titled "One Drop", and is performed by a band called In Strict Confidence. It is an electro-industrial/goth band. The lyrics to the song, I feel, quite strongly, accurately convey how I feel about my beginning foray, and my continued excursions into altered states of consciousness through the use of cannabis and a myriad of psychedelics, the "potion" that set in motion events in my life that I struggle still to accurately convey in words.

 

I feel that, a simple catchy song, with poetic lyrics that seem, to me, to wrap it all up in a neat package, would be the perfect introduction. In short, this song, I feel, perfectly conceptualizes the very first psychedelic experience that I had, in late 2005, in the blustery cold month of March, with 6x Salvia Divinorum extract, a night that forever changed my life from that point in, propelling me into heights of rapture impossible for any "normal" individual to feel, and plunged me into the depths of depression and psychosis, polysubstance addiction, and damned near ended up killing me in the end before I managed to get into treatment and find a balance in my life.

 

If the music simply isn't to your taste, I hope that you will understand that the "One Drop" of the potion, the drugs mind you, is accurately conveyed in this song's lyrics, and is intended to represent the very first psychedelic/altered state that I experienced with Salvia Divinorum.

 

Salvia Divinorum is the potion that began it all.

 

In Strict Confidence: "One Drop"

 

[Direct Link]

 

Lyrics:

 

Last night
I stole a secret
From the sleeping gods
A recipe for tyranny
The human world forgot

I learned about a potion
That places in your hands
The strings of fate and motion
Of life to sudden end

One drop drowns your memory
In the lake of loss
(One drop)
One drop sells your sanity
And nails you to the cross
(One drop)

It places seven splinters
In your open eyes
Turns the world around you
Into a thousand lies
It takes away your breathing
And blows it to the wind
Along with your confession
"Father, I have sinned!"

One drop drowns your memory
In the lake of loss
(One drop)
One drop sells your sanity
And nails you to the cross
(One drop)
One drop bends you to my will
My will and my demand
(One drop)
One drop and the world stands still
And waits for my command

One drop drowns your memory
In the lake of loss
(One drop)
One drop sells your sanity
And nails you to the cross
(One drop)
One drop bends you to my will
My will and my demand
(One drop)
One drop and the world stands still
And waits for my command

 

=====================================================

 

(After posting this, I'm still here and I'm beginning to type the first true entry of this ongoing thread. I just want to actually post what I've already written so it is saved and not lost to all eternity.)

 

The next update will convey my first experience with a truly altered state of consciousness, which peeled back the corner of the page of life and allowed me to get a glimpse of what lay ahead. I thought it would be well worth it to push deeper, to do my absolute best to 'read' that great Tome of knowledge, only to come to understand that such knowledge comes with very high price.

 

Stay tuned...


Edited by niemandgeist, 11 December 2016 - 06:16 PM.

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#2 niemandgeist

niemandgeist

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Posted 11 December 2016 - 06:38 PM

Salvia Divinorum: My First Foray into the Unknown

 

First: A bit of history.

 

I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 17. I had been in-and-out of short-term inpatient mental hospital stays. They told me that I had "Bipolar Disorder", but I was never told anything at all about what that meant.

 

I eventually ended up, at age 17, after only ever spending one or two weeks in a hospital at any time, although quite frequently, in a long-term state-run mental hospital when I was 17, going on 18.

 

It was a shithole, but maybe I'll save the description for those who press me for more information.

 

I became a ward of the state. My parents no longer had custody of me, and they couldn't get me out of the place.

 

I was finally released on May the 5th. I would have turned 18 and would have then been sent to an adult long-term hospital for a minimum 6-to-12-month long stay at the very least. Fortunately, I was so well-behaved they actually discharged me.

 

I then went to another psychologist and psychiatrist, who didn't seem to see why I was still on medications. You see, I had perfect reasoning as to why my alcoholic father, a broken household, and my normal teenage angst played every role in my acting out at that age.

 

So I stopped taking any medications.

 

Apart from one suicide attempt at age 19, following a very bad breakup with a troublesome woman, I was fine.

 

I ended up staying off of my meds, being able to hold down part-time jobs, and seemed to be going in a much better direction in my life. I had dropped out of my senior year of high school because I'd missed so much school. I tried going back to a "special high school" for troubled youth, but the coursework was not challenging, so I transferred back into my town's high school, but because I was so far behind, I dropped out.

 

I opted to get my GED from the same school, and I earned my high school diploma without even having to study at the night classes. Of course, math always being my weak point (I never learned you actually had to WORK HARD at it), I did shitty in the math department, but still scored high enough in every other area to get the diploma.

 

A few years later and I had turned my life around. I'd gone from 230lbs at my heaviest, at 5'6" tall at the most, and started working out and changing my diet. I dropped to a lean 140lbs.

 

I then decided to go to community college.

 

I did very, very well, and I held a good part-time job for 4 years. I also started a great relationship with a nice girl.

 

I was 24 when I first became interested in psychoactive herbs.

 

This lead me to discover Salvia Divinorum.

 

A long-time friend of mine, let's call him Mike, told me about Salvia Divinorum, and of his and his good friend's experiences with it.

 

The more I researched it, and the more I pressed him for stories, the greater my interest became.

 

=============================================================

 

The Very First Time --- Salvia Divinorum Initial Experience

 

I had obtained some 6x extract from an online vendor.

 

It was a very cold, windy March evening. I had the house to myself. I went outside with my wooden tobacco pipe, with a carefully measured dose of the extract packed in there, and my torch lighter --- the better to vaporize the Salvinorum-A effectively.

 

I took one hit. I struggled to hold in the harsh, burning smoke, but I knew that the promise of Deeper Knowledge awaited me at any moment, so the struggle seemed necessary.

 

I exhaled a cloud of smoke, inhaled again, and repeated the process. I figured "Why not?" and did it again.

 

After the third, and last exhalation of a great plume of white smoke, whirling high into the night's sky before being scattered into the wind, I waited.

 

I started to think that I'd wasted my money on something bunk.

 

But then it hit me.

 

I began to feel a great, rhythmic, jerking, pulling sensation on the left side of my body.

 

The rhythm became greater, stronger, and I gazed into the evening sky. It was clear, and there were many stars.

 

It was then that I began to feel different.

 

I then saw that the entire left half of my body was not simply being jerked, pulled, but rendered, digitized, and broken up into countless little shards that were then being carried toward the black heavens.

 

It was then that my eyes began to grow wider, and a sense of chaos overtook me. You see, I saw the shredded pieces of half of my body being carried away, up toward the sky, into what began to take shape as a swirling, black vortex, like a black hole.

 

It was THERE. It was REAL!

 

I couldn't believe my eyes, but there it was!

 

I then began to hear some type of almost ritual chanting, at the time I recall it being stupid, hilarious, a jumbled bunch of English that I couldn't quite understand, so absurd, but at the same time chilling.

 

It was then that I decided to go back into the exterior garage door and make my way into the living room.

 

As soon as I opened the door I was greeted by bright lights, loud music, and saw my younger sister locking lips with a guy I didn't know.

 

I tried to play it off, making my way up the stairs, but as soon as I passed the basement door I felt my lower body being sucked up and dragged away into that empty void in the black sky.

 

You've seen cartoons, where the characters are being sucked with such a force that they grab onto any anchor point they can, their bodies fully horizontal, parallel to the ground, clinging on to dear life.

 

That was me! I SWEAR that I was being sucked, dragged away, my only hope to grab the door knob of the basement door with my hands as tightly as I could, hanging on for dear life! It was so real!

 

My sister then came to calm me. I'd told her what I'd planned on doing that night. She, herself, was, at a much younger age, smoking lots of weed.

 

The words that came out of her mouth were "Holy shit! It works!"

 

Then: A moment of confusion.

 

I came-to looking at her, with my sister asking if I was OK. It seemed to be wearing off.

 

I then saw something buzzing, fluttering toward me.

 

It was a very large, actually quite a frighteningly large praying mantis. It fell to the ground before me and stared at me, curiously.

 

I bent down and began to reach my finger out to touch it.

 

"It's a praying mantis!"

 

My sister countered: "NO, Niemand! It's a leaf!"

 

My finger touched the insect, but then it bit me.

 

It drew blood. It hurt!

 

The mantis then shrivelled, died, and became a decaying, brown leaf.

 

I exclaimed: "IT IS A LEAF!"

 

"Niemand. Let's go upstairs into your room."

 

My younger sibling then lead me up the stairs, a difficult task for me, but reality was slowly coming back into frame. I lay in my bed until it wore off, listening to music on low volume.

 

All I knew was that I'd seen something that I'd never before conceived could be possible. I'd summoned up something great, some arcane knowledge, that blew at the page of life I was at then in my existence and gently peeled pack the bottom of the page. It allowed me a small glimpse of text I couldn't quite make out on the next page, something that shouldn't be possible.

 

I was resolute, then, in my decision that I would continue to do everything I could to turn the next page and to eventually read the rest of the Tome of Knowledge that is life, something normally impossible.

 

But I now saw that it WAS POSSIBLE!

 

I wanted to go further.

 

And I did, but came with a dear price.

 

(Stay Tuned!)


Edited by niemandgeist, 11 December 2016 - 06:48 PM.

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#3 niemandgeist

niemandgeist

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Posted 21 December 2016 - 07:54 PM

A Taste of Bliss, and a Risky Progression

I continued to hold regular, deep, and prolonged discussions, via the internet and telephone, including brief meetings in person, often while walking outside or in parks, sometimes while accompanied by cannabis that I provided, with my friend, Mike, when he had the time to visit me. Often times we communicated online via various methods, but our most profound dialog was always held in person where we could really reconnect as old friends.

Mike and I used to be "those kids" in middle school, and in high school, who just didn't fit in anywhere else. We listened to lots of goth and industrial music. We kept to ourselves and mainly chatted online, sharing our recent exploits in coding (programming, web design) in the mid and late 1990's.

He managed to get into some lower level programming (Assembler, mainly), while I primarily focused on Visual Basic, later moving onto Delphi and web design as well as back-end programming using Perl (CGI), PHP, and Javascript on the front-end.

The both of us had been interested, from an early age (12'ish, 13'ish) with the occult, demonology, mythology, and so on.

I suppose our interest in traditional herbal remedies, mind-expanding entheogens, and hallucinogens/psychedelics was merely a natural progression.

Now he was well past finished with his own college career. He'd always excelled in math, whereas everything else BUT math came easily to me. I focused on the more expressive, exploratory, "Learn the basics and try a bunch of crazy shit until something worked" methodology with coding whereas he got into the deeper, nitty gritty part of it.

I could always find a way to build things I wanted to make, and I'd found that I didn't need much math at all to get them done. I just loved doing it.

I never thought I'd be one to go to college. Nevermind all of the "bipolar teenage angst shitty alcoholic father destroyed marriage and shitty homelife last semester of high school dropout after tons of inpatient hospitalizations story".

We really reconnected, with the whole Salvia Divinorum thing, when I was a few semesters into community college studying whatever thing I was interested in that didn't require high levels of mathematical prowess. My main focus was psychology, art, literature (English), and whatever else I found to be of interest. I found that I was quite capable of working my way up, slowly, with lots of effort, in math without any trouble. Had I only "worked to my potential" when I was in school, I wonder where I'd be today, but I always felt I was too "stupid" to "get math". Fortunately, I had to work all the way up from basic math while pursuing my myriad interests at college, aiming for a general liberal arts degree.

By the time we really reconnected and discovered our shared interest in what was possible in the realm of perception he was working as a civilian contractor doing complicated math stuff and programming that he couldn't exactly discuss. I'd given up my hopes of making anything out of my code dabbling and experimentation back then because, at that time, you HAD to have a computer science degree to actually get a paying job doing any of that stuff. My, how the times have changed! (And yes, I'm getting back into it!)

 

Despite being off of my medications for half a decade, I was experiencing quite an unusual period of a total lack of bipolar symptoms. Relative stability. I was holding down jobs, friendships, familial and romantic relationships, quite well.

A Dance with Kratom

Kratom was a jewel in the rough. I'd gone through various herbs such as damiana, calea zacatechichi, blue lotus, kanna, and others, but it was kratom, the second natural substance after Salvia Divinorum, that proved to be worthwhile.

As was par for the course, Mike had had a great deal of experience with kratom and recommended it highly. So I gave it a try and I was quite pleased.

It was nice to have something freely and legally available that provided a dreamlike, and very useful mind-altering experience with a pleasant body sensation. I found it to be quite helpful in writing some poetry, unfinished short stories, and personal musings while laying, half asleep, on my bed listening to music by candlelight.

So far as Salvia Divinorum went, I'd had maybe five quite interesting, though never negative experiences, and had decided that I'd seen enough.

Kratom was a nice retreat, something I could use without completely impairing my judgment and ability to explore my artistic and creative side without numbing my mind too much as cannabis often did.

I was then hanging out on a little known forum online, chatting outside of the side with some site regulars about their own experiences with substances I'd only dream of accessing.

One of them was quite interested in something that was, to myself and to Mike, completely unknown.

Getting into "Researching" altered mindstates.

This online contact was telling me that, instead of focusing on all of the natural herbal substances on Erowid.org, I should really look into the expanded chemical listings and focus on "All of the stuff that involves numbers and letters".

I can't really discuss this portion, which very soon begins to take a dark side in my life at this point in time, in great detail, apart from saying that:

If you are familiar with Sasha Shulgin and his "Magical Half Dozen", then I need say nothing further.

If you are unfamiliar with this, then it is enough to say that I experienced true psychedelia and fell into rapture, my curiosity tasting the first sweet nectar of that which was truly possible, beyond anything I'd ever hoped for.

Any subsequent stories of mine involving this part of my exploration will be very general and will refrain from addressing any specific substances. It will be a summary of my experiences with psychedelics in brief, in order to comply with the rules and guidelines of this wonderful forum.

I will also refuse to answer any specific questions I receive about this period in my evolution that would come close to violating those rules. I can discuss only how my life was changed, what I came to understand, and how it was all probably a big mistake. I can talk about how these experiences affected me and how my personality and views on life in general were shaped. I cannot and will not tell you about any specific substances, how to get them, how I obtained access to them specifically, and will just keep it very, very general without divulging too much.

Honestly I'm much better these days just sticking to kratom, some beer now and again, and mushrooms. I'm happy to discuss my cannabis, kratom, and Salvia Divinorum experiences in detail, and anything about bipolar disorder, but I hope that you all understand that I'm trying to share some interesting (hopefully) stories with you all and to provide some important learning lessons of safety and moderation, and what can happen if you take any missteps and go the wrong way, while keeping the integrity of what Mycotopia stands for in good standing.

...Stay Tuned for the next installment!

 


Edited by niemandgeist, 21 December 2016 - 08:03 PM.

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#4 niemandgeist

niemandgeist

    You make me happy in a manic sort of way :)

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Posted 02 February 2017 - 02:05 PM

The Mindfire

 

I had placed an order on the "clear net" with a Visa debit card. I chose a company from Canada offering various chemicals for "research". I'd done enough research to purchase my top two choices; chemicals quite similar to mescaline, both discovered by Shulgin.

 

Once they arrived, I simply stored them, hidden away, in the freezer.

 

I actually sat on them for many months. My online contact kept bugging me to try them, but my life was quite busy at this point, both with school, my then-girlfriend, and my job.

 

It was two-or-so months before I knew I'd have the whole house to myself for at least a day before I even thought of trying out these supposed powerful and "legal" (or, well, "gray area" psychedelics).

 

I fasted for several hours before preparing to dose. I took 10mg of something quite akin to mescaline orally, and waited.

 

After nearly an hour, I figured it was merely a pipe dream, that such things simply couldn't exist, got my scale out, and began to weight out a nice dose of kratom for the evening.

 

While getting out the kratom, however, I noticed something...different.

 

Something began to stir at the base of the back of my skull. A faint tickling quickly began to grow stronger, burning in my head. I have come to call this sensation "the mindfire". It was not at all unpleasant, although, at the time, I had never experienced anything at all like it.

 

Eventually, the mindfire grew and encompassed my every being.

 

I dropped the kratom and sat in silence, waiting for what may come.

 

My surroundings seemed odd, different, alien almost, though still, in some way, familiar.

 

I recall quite vividly how I began to describe this feeling to my online buddy, through instant messaging, after leaving him hanging for nearly an hour after telling him that I'd dosed and was feeling the "mindfire".

 

"I feel as though I am a newborn God. Plunged into an icy pond, descending to the bottom, knowing that I must breathe, but knowing that I should not be able to. As my lungs burn, and I know that I cannot fight the instinct to attempt to take in air, I suddenly discover that I can, in fact, breathe under this water. I open my eyes, as though for the first time. Everything is different: Everything new, as though I'm seeing the world for the first time. My mind, awakened, my senses: enhanced beyond comprehension."

 

It was quite a wonderful 8 hours. I had never experienced anything such as this before. I spent hours listening to music, sweeter than music had ever sounded before, gazing at the walls, venturing outside simply to view the world nocturnal, cloaked in dark, silent, as though it was another world I'd managed to discover.

 

This experience was truly invigorating. I experienced the beyond. I saw things, felt things, thought things that I never before even imagined were possible.

 

I also remember thinking to myself:

"Fuck weed! A few mere milligrams of this and I am transported to an alternate reality, to see things as they truly are, for most of a day!"

 

The veil was broken. My curiosity awakened.

 

I needed to know, to experience, to comprehend more than was normally permitted me. I had to see what lay beyond.

 

The spark was ignited.

 

Little did I know, at the time, that my journey to experience all that I could experience would nearly cost my my life, and would undoubtedly push me beyond the edge of sanity. It's a wonder at all that I managed to find my way back from the vast void beyond at all.

 

From here on, I relay my past: Dark times, to be honest. Times darker than any man alone might imagine. I only managed to see the light: The possibilities. I was naive; hopeful.

 

I wonder how my mind and my soul managed to survive it all.


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