Finally Did LSD
Posted 29 December 2016 - 04:27 PM
I will first start with the LSD itself.
It's a really special plan. Years before I ever tried psychedelics, my roommate at the time had. He talked about his best trip ever on LSD on Christmas. Since then, it had always been a fantasy of mine to eat Acid on Christmas Day. But the gods it seemed, had chosen me for their amusement. The first time I tried to get Acid, the dude took my money and drove off. The second time, this motherfucker sold me a strip of construction paper. The third time, I had a 10 strip and it got stolen. The fourth time, the acid was so weak I didn't even realize I was on acid until the fifth time, which made me realize, I was in fact on acid, just not enough. "Piety is not what the lessons bring to the people. It's the mistakes they bring to the lessons." That's how it worked out for me.
So the set and setting. I could tell by how hard the 48 hours were preceding the trip, that it was gonna be a good experience. We had made the house Christmas immaculate. And sexy oils burning and shit. My house smells like a pumpkin pie. I only listen to down tempo music when I trip, but the hour before the trip I'm burning some wood (I got a firepit for Christmas.) and listen to Lateralus. Afterwards I eat. A friend who has never tripped comes over to sit in. She really wants to smoke DMT. The few hours before we have to walk her home are pretty uneventful. We recreationally smoke a little deemsters, so she can get a feel. I've heard, "LSD + DMT is the key to being free." So I smoke with her. My wife sits this one out. Then we walk. This where shit gets real.
I swear my neighborhood looks like something straight out of a Tim Burton movie. And it's the peak of my trip when we walk her home. Visuals are kicking in nice. Sexy winter trees and Christmas lights everywhere. The neighborhood is on a hill, so tons of climbing winding roads. Very sexy. We stopped at a gas station which was fun. The guy working that night was one of my bud guys, so I didn't have to be paranoid. And he's one of those really funny black guys who is constantly joking around. It was nice.
As we walk home, and keep in mind, I'm peaking. And this friend coming over/walking her home thing was her idea in the first place. I'm wanted to be naked and trip balls and listen to my playlist, she suggests that instead of going home we should walk all night. I was against it. Which made her sad, and I got my first taste of bad trip from LSD. They used this time to teach me how my wife feels about me wanting a three some and why she doesn't. They were showing me that, because she suggested this other path, that now I wasn't for sure she even wanted what we were actually doing. Which is what would happen in our relationship if we had a threesome.
We were out of weed, so the trip was trying to succumb to gravity, so I started to scrape my bowl. We btw smoked 3 packs or cigarettes in 10 hours. We had every negative thought and had to climb out of it. It was scary. Then it hit. I realized that once this day was over, the kids would be back, and my horrible life would commence. And that even though kids gave my life meaning and purpose, it was hell, every day of my life. I get this once acid trip, but the next 300 days or more, nothing fun would happen. I would be unhappy every single day until my kids reach an age I can appreciate. My life will be nothing but princess stories and diapers for years. And nobody can help you. No advice can be given. I'm just in Hell.
I've been better with the kids, but that's TO the kids. It's still Hell for me to pretend that a drawing is cool. Or that I care about a monster killing a princess or some bullshit. And living with a kid who can't talk, I can't even pretend to know what he's interested in, let alone share that with him.
It's also a thing that I was never shown anything as far as affection as a child, so that part of my brain is entirely absent, and therefore all the things people love about children are also absent. It spells doom to my lifestyle that I have to display affection constantly in a way that is unnatural for me, and that soons I open my eyes every single day of my life, there are children that are somehow only amused by screaming at the loudest possible decibel in the highest possible frequency right there. Busting out the door with warm hugs, when they couldn't possibly grasp how jarring it is, for your first moment to always be someone running and screaming and immediately demanding breakfast. A big pile of shit that escapes the diaper 40% of the time, time to wash the next set of bedclothes while preparing breakfast. Every day of my life being so chocked to the brim with toddler shit that I forget to eat til I'm dizzy with hunger, and if no one can take them for a while, I go crazy, which nobody offers help, just judgement because I'm not the warmest, most patient, most cuddly father that's ever existed. And that this is all my life can or will be until they get old enough to participate in real activities that people with actual brains participate in, or until a magically can clear enough money after child support to hire a babysitter.
I'm more mature now, but the problems are still the problems. LSD made me realize I guess. That that trip, fleeting moments like those are it for me now. Just fleeting shit. And a guarantee that every day will be filled with misery and task and watching kids movies, and I'm just.... Empty. Bored. Wanting things to change, and it's the catch 22 that the closer they get to being more fun, the closer I get to death. I'm just losing it today. Baby crying bullshit. I just hate it.
- Coopdog likes this
Posted 29 December 2016 - 10:25 PM
I sincerely hope you get through this and can find some happiness in everyday life.
I am not qualified to diagnose anyone one but I feel like I must say that you sound depressed.
I am sending good vibes your way and hope things get better . Maybe someone else here can offer some words that
give you some help.
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Posted 29 December 2016 - 10:45 PM
You brought those kids into this world. Just remember they most certainly didn't ask to be born to someone who hates kids.
It's your job Dad to raise these kids right, and that means at every step of their young lives. Not just when you find them tolerable.
Break the cycle of shity parenting!
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Posted 29 December 2016 - 11:53 PM
Posted 30 December 2016 - 12:12 AM
It seems I somehow missed any trip report. No revelations, no gained understanding, no enjoyment........
I will send my most sincere wishes for your children's well being and happiness. I would offer you the same, but you have heard it all before. It has not changed.
Edited by Skywatcher, 30 December 2016 - 12:35 AM.
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 12:30 AM
"What do they want?" They just want to be loved as they grow and their minds develop.
- Skywatcher, Alder Logs and mjroom like this
Posted 30 December 2016 - 01:08 AM
I dont think kids really want anything. They just observe and react to what they feel about what that observation stirs in them.
As far as your trip report goes. it sounds like you took a lot of chances that I wouldn't have done on my 100th, 500th, maybe not until I was so bored with it I wanted it to fiuck me good.
I have mixed with
dmt, mda, mdna, 2cb, pcp, and so many other things that didn't make it any better, I can say a bi of good pot, cigarettes if you normally smoke them, and maybe one trip to the all night store to get more cuz you're going to run out.
Not being around people who didn't drop with you, and/or werent there from the beginning is key. I took it around my kids all the time, but not until I was pretty good with how that might turn out.
I have a long list of shit that'll really toss a good trip in the fire, but a good rule of thumb for me is, just stay home and turn off the phone dont open the door for anyone, and if you have a wife or S.O., do it with them, not in spite of them.
I have not had any in a long time now and it's getting harder to remember all the details of how all consuming it was to trip on that king of all mind expanders, but I had my fun, and certainly it made me who I am today.
Now if that doesn;t warn off a couple people who haven't tried it yet, then join up!!
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 01:19 AM
That's a pretty harsh reality you're livin' there bro.....I'm gettin' ready to have a kid.....and I hope I never feel the way you do about parenthood.....
You say that you didn't have that great of an upbringing, well neither did I, and my goal is to be a better parent to my child than my parents were to me.....
My wife and I were never supposed to be able to have kids, medically speaking. We've been together for 9 years and are just getting ready to have our first child.....I'm going to be brutally harsh here....We tried for 5 years to have a kid, with no luck....Going through that brought new perspective, and that was that people like you don't deserve the joys of being a parent.
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 02:33 AM
It's so hard for my mind to be kidlike...I just don't know how to get on their level.
Had me fooled...
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 08:06 AM
Nothing last as long as we think it dose. We'll blink and the kids will be older. Nothing can change except your perspective for now. Which isn't a easy ft. Maybe start writing things you're grateful for when your really upset. Good luck, and please don't raise little shit heads. lol
- Myc, fungi2bwith, Alder Logs and 1 other like this
Posted 30 December 2016 - 09:27 AM
You need meditation brother.
Start recognizing and appreciating all the things you have.. You flip a switch and there is light, your turn a faucet and there is warm and cold water. Were beyond fortunate and we often take it for granted.
Children want and deserve nothing more than a loving happy upbringing. They're messy, and eager for knowledge, so get used to a million messes and questions.
I hope that you can teach yourself how to have a different outlook on your current situation and fully embrace the now. There will never be another moment that's exactly like the now. Savor it.
Teach your children well.
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 01:31 PM
After re-reading your "trip report" I can't help but feel that you are an extremely selfish person. Just pointing that out as constructive criticism....Possibly something to meditate on....Also, as stated above, you sound depressed......After thinking more about what you wrote, I hope that the last half was just you venting and not how you feel 100% of the time.....
- Heirloom Spores likes this
Posted 30 December 2016 - 01:38 PM
I have raised kids and adopted a few kids from relatives. One was 10 when he came to live with me he broke his Mothers arm - my sister.
in anger. He was extra strong but when he found out that he could come live with me he was happy. The first day he showed his strength when my wife said something he grabbed something and crushed it with his hand. Showing his anger and extreme strength.
I did not get angry but understood he needed to be treated with respect. I was not angry but we talked and he started to understand.
He had been in a home with domestic violence. This took some time and attention to correct. I had to counter act the way his stepfather treated him and what he taught him, like its ok to steal and use your strength to dominate people with fear, violence.
My brother in law is serving a Life Sentence for Murder, so I had a lot to work through with this kid.
He improved so much in his grades and social interactions at school.
He has several children and a good life now.
The Marine Corp was after him to join , I was full of family self defence and threatened the recruiter with violence. Now I think I should of got an Attorney brought a suite using the 16th ammendent, parents have the right to teach children and the values they are taught like religion, politics...ect I believe that public schools should not be recruiting center for the military.
I miss him so much I wish they lived close, or better yet lets live all together. and that goes for all my kids and family.
A child is a blessing from the source of all life and you are given the opportunity to help them to be the best person they can be.
My own father tried to kill me when he was angry with my mom . Then my mom pulled another stunt driving head on into a truck
to kill us all/ I wanted to be a better person and that drove me . No reason to say more other than my father showed no love.
I chose to break that cycle.
I can't believe you did LSD an got no skooling got no understanding of your self leading to understanding of everyone. Cosmic Consciousness.
Edited by Heirloom Spores, 30 December 2016 - 01:42 PM.
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Posted 30 December 2016 - 03:08 PM
Before I get to the less than savory remarks, I want to address the whole thing about our visitor. My wife pushed it on me. And I believe I may be at an advanced stage of lessons. Because I never did leave the house for a trip. Until one day, my friend got pissed that it was never at his house. Well, at his house, just so happens, these guys were looking for their dogs who escaped. So in the backyards which were all connected, this guy was screaming and like 12 dogs going CRAZY at the peak of my trip. I then realized, I was about to have a bad trip, but instead simply decided to just accept what was happening instead of feeling negative about it. So when this came up to have the visitor over, I considered many factors. The biggest factors were that she is intelligent and VERY soft spoken. There was no chance she would be a negative influence, and my neighbor is SEXY. So it was like walking through a fairy tell forest dog, forreal.
Anyway. To August. That's a dick move. I'm bearing my true emotions. Asking for true advice here.
To address the others, it's not really a full time feeling, it just amounted to this. Realizing the utter lack of freedom. The frustration of trying to do something with the kid, and it's still impossible. To explain certain lessons. To change diapers. To ALWAYS be able to have a meal plan. It's exhausting. I don't have parents of my own, so I don't know who to talk to about this. My wife can only do so much as she is my partner already in bearing all these 'gifts', and so I ask people here, because I know someone is further along this path, and these feelings can't be unique into myself.
And also, yes, I recognize I may seem selfish. But I feel like that's untrue. The thing is, I am one of those people who lives my full life bending to the others needs. It's that I'm realizing, I so rarely have time to enjoy life. But I am working on it. I'm better with the kids even though it may suck for me, and I'm bettering my life career wise, so in a few years, my depression should lift. Living in poverty is depressing. But you can dig out of it. And I am.
Thanks all the people who weren't dicks. I really feel like posting something this crazy warrants a little sensitivity, as I am not surrendering to the problem.
- Stoned Angel likes this
Posted 31 December 2016 - 02:24 AM
Anyway. To August. That's a dick move. I'm bearing my true emotions. Asking for true advice here....
...I really feel like posting something this crazy warrants a little sensitivity, as I am not surrendering to the problem.
Go back and look at your posting history. I've never said anything to you that wasn't true. You essentially are a child. if you have no parents, as you claim, it's no surprise. Childhood is, on the regular, being extended for decades now. Children are having children. You just seem to be taking a while to come to that realization. You say you're, "one of those people who lives my full life bending to others needs", well, welcome to the world of consequences. You have a wife (apparently). You have children. They have needs connected to you. This can't be a new concept? Seriously dude, try to grow the fuck up a little bit. Just a fucking little bit. And please, don't have more children. Please. It's unfortunate that you've had the ones who have but please don't do it again.
From what it appears, my best advice (as you claim that's what you're looking for) is to do your best to fuck those kids up the least that you possibly can. Break the shitty parenting cycle as best as you're capable.
Btw, nothing you've posted is "crazy". It's just life. Show a shred of awareness and maybe a little "sensitivity" will follow.
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 11:04 AM
August, I believe might be right.......I remember your posts, Akari, about when you were about to have a kid....You are somewhat young, no? The brain doesn't fully mature until about 25-26 yrs of age......So that might explain the angle of where august is coming from.....children having children....
Also, if you went to school and had sex ed, then you should know that by sticking your penis in a vagina without protection can lead to pregnancy.....this is not hidden knowledge.....It's also, not hidden knowledge that children are a lot of responsibility and headaches, but you make due with the best you have, and you raise your kids right, no matter what.....
If you weren't selfish, you wouldn't still be thinking of threesomes, especially after the thread I read about you and your woman's problems after you even mentioned it...
The only advice I have left to give you is, either take responsibility for YOUR actions and raise those children to be outstanding adults, or leave and let someone else with a little more maturity do it.....So not to ruin them.....
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 11:09 AM
The perception that some folks are acting like "dicks" while others are not is purely subjective.
I have seen a number of your threads Akari. I've seen a great number of people attempting to help you.
I've seen you ignore all of that kind, heartfelt, thoughtful advice where folks have gone to great lengths in order to spare your feelings.
So now, I personally have less sympathy for your case.
The Universe is a teaching construct. It provides a path for the evolution of the soul. That path can be as gentle or harsh as the soul chooses - but it chooses. Leaving a harsh path and assuming a new path of compassion is a choice. We are permitted to change our minds - at will. Your will seems trapped in your current reality. I feel as though you seek validation for your behavior.
I speak on behalf of your precious children because your wife - an adult and co-parent - is just as guilty as you are in all of this by permitting the behavior.
I recoil and am disgusted by your described relationship with your children. POWs are treated with the same "objectiveness" to break their minds and crush their spirits. I'm crying foul.
I am further disgusted by your relentless, selfish pursuit of a "threesome". If you can't get the job done alone while masturbating, you have no business sharing sex with another biological being. It is a sign that you are so empty inside that you require external validation of all of your thoughts, delusions, illusions, etc. Do you not see that for yourself?
I am not saying that this is You.
You are a higher being utterly trapped in your inner illusions of self. If you see me as a dick - that's fine. I see myself as a dick to myself periodically as well. But hey, it takes what it takes to stay on the path.
I'm laying it out there. If you sincerely want help, I'm stepping-up and offering what I can.
If I find another thread like this where I see you detailing what amounts to emotional and psychological abuse of children...
I will perma-ban you.
You have been warned. Start no more of these poisonous cess-pools of infection.
I'll end with a sincere prayer and an attempt to communicate with your True inner soul. The one who wanted to be loved as a child. The one who has an opportunity to learn, express and share that love with new souls. Souls which will one day reflect precisely what they've been shown during these tender, innocent years.
Edited by Myc, 31 December 2016 - 11:11 AM.
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 12:33 PM
And that this is all my life can or will be until they get old enough to participate in real activities that people with actual brains participate in, or until a magically can clear enough money after child support to hire a babysitter.
I know a lot of people who would argue that raising children is a real activity that people with actual brains participate in (well, ideally).
In any case there's no big party in the sky or whatever where everyone else is having all the fun that you believe you're missing out on. There were awesome parties and great times to be had long before we were born and they will continue long after we're dead (even if civilization implodes in the meantime; after a few years the survivors will be right back at it...).
Anyway, it might be helpful to try to differentiate the biological needs and functions of your children from the children themselves since I imagine it would be tough to take care of them day after day if you think of them merely as the source of all the real and figurative shit in your life rather than as the reason for dealing with it.
After all, we have to clean our toilets and take out the trash for our whole lives, but that doesn't mean the food we eat and such is to 'blame' for our toilet-cleaning and trash-hauling woes (those are simply part of the "fun" of existing as a physical being). And hating something we have to do regardless of how we feel about it merely makes it seem like it takes exponentially-longer to accomplish (as you may have noticed), so the situation would improve by adopting a more neutral attitude toward taking care of the tedious and often-icky chores that are and always will be part of being alive (and especially while raising children).
Not many people get angry and resentful every time they have to take a piss (etc.) as most of us accept that it's an inescapable aspect of daily life. Most people don't exactly enjoy taking a piss, either (the relief that completing one can bring notwithstanding). We just do what we have to do and continue with our day; that's the kind of 'neutral' attitude I'm advocating you adopt toward child care.
Easier said than done, but then so is anything worth doing.
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 01:45 PM
When I hear the laughter of children it stimulates my brain to release neurotransmitters that result in a wave of pleasure to wash over me, the feeling is so good, I enjoy visiting my family or friends with kids.
Sometimes a chance comes along once in a lifetime don't miss out on this opportunity .
If you need help get it .
I pray to God for your kids and you .
Family is all there is .
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Posted 31 December 2016 - 02:27 PM
And it's not an activity. I hold these things in. I don't treat the kids bad, it's the inner insanity I need help with. I am quite young, but not really in age, but in experience. Because my family situation, 80% of my experiences are negative until I became an adult, which lets face it, that sucks too. And I had kids pretty early, but my problem is this.
Really listen to what I mean. I understand it's CONSEQUENCE. I'm not a fool, it's a thing of, every day, and this may not be normal, but my son shrieks like a Pterodactyl. Just for fun. Every 10 seconds, my brain is shredded with the highest frequency ever imagined by God. Plus the normal step kid treatment. And evil bossy 4 year old that I try to love, through the fact that she aliniates me. Tough situation is that not?
TV, you gave the most helpful advice I've ever received in my life. Thanks you so much. That really opened my mind to a neutral mind path if dealing.
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