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Finally Did LSD


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#21 Heirloom Spores

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 02:36 PM

My oldest son gets a disability check from the Marine Corp, his youngest son is a treasure, he is so close to his dad that I have so much respect it cannot be put into words. However I am disappointed with how the oldest is treated

His wife though I blame for some of the other kids problems. They are bikers and she has taught her daughter to be her bad ass biker bitch/ her words.  The problems are to many to mention ,

Then I have the problem that the oldest is gay and they reject him, I have no problem with the grandson. He did not choose this.
They went crazy , while I accepted it and  his other grandparents came around parents and now accept him.

We don't see eye to eye on somethings. I worry for the oldest and my granddaughters future.

My family was / is far from perfect.  I could tell you things that would show how far I came , my parents were sex addicts. My mother slept with some of my friends. You think you got issues!

I made the choice to make things better. That is nothing to what I have been through.

I will probably feel ashamed for revealing this but  I say this to help you , we all got problems and we need to deal with them the best we can.  We want the future generations to be better .
 


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#22 roscoe

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 03:56 PM

Have you ever watched someone who's heart wasn't into what they were doing?

It shows.

Believe it or not, it shows to your kids. It shows now and will always show. They will grow up feeling unworthy, unwanted, and a burden.

Do you think they will ever reach their full potential with those thoughts nagging at them?

Do you even give a shit?

Or do you just want to keep feeling sorry for yourself?
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#23 Akari

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Posted 01 January 2017 - 01:34 PM

I thank you for that perspective Heirloom.

If I didn't give a shit, would I post this? Also, it's not a permanent feeling. It's this stage. I have problems communicating with the kids who can't talk or process higher thoughts. I don't have the ability. I'm using the, 'fake it til you make it's technique. I can't put my heart into it just because i feel bad.

I'm not talking life problems. I'm talking, I just bought my kids a new bedroom everything, and my son just tore all the blinds off the window. As a baby, he doesn't nothing to counter this feeling, and because my brain, I don't just automatically like a baby.

When the kids are old enough to be told stories, which the older one is getting there, be a person even in the smallest bit, it will be easier.

I really don't see how me having feelings about the situation is inherently wrong...

#24 fungi2bwith

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Posted 01 January 2017 - 01:54 PM

I haven't talked to my father in almost 10 years.......and I doubt I ever will again.....He was a shitty parent, from my perspective as his son.....He couldn't accept me for who I am....and that takes a toll, one I was no longer willing to put any emotion into....Think about that Akari, as your children get older because at one point, they will be old enough to decide for themselves whether you were a good parent or not.....

 

If you are having problems with these feelings of resentment towards your children, perhaps some form of counseling is in store....

 

Akari, you never raised a dog from puppy to adult before you had kids did you?....That's a rhetorical question....I ask because raising a dog from puppy to adult is a lil like raising a child. They shit and piss everywhere, and tear everything up, cry alot, waking up in the middle of the night to feed them(we had a whole litter), and require constant attention and training to raise a respectable dog......I would recommend to anyone contemplating having kids, to get a puppy and raise it first....


Edited by fungi2bwith, 01 January 2017 - 02:12 PM.

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#25 TVCasualty

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Posted 01 January 2017 - 02:07 PM

Have you ever watched someone who's heart wasn't into what they were doing?

It shows.

Believe it or not, it shows to your kids. It shows now and will always show. They will grow up feeling unworthy, unwanted, and a burden.

Do you think they will ever reach their full potential with those thoughts nagging at them?

Do you even give a shit?

Or do you just want to keep feeling sorry for yourself?

 

That's more important to take to heart than what I posted (good post!). It reminded me of what I tend to go on about in threads about dealing with cops and Customs agents and such, namely that for all practical purposes it's prudent to assume that they can read our minds.

 

Not literally to any precise degree, but by subconscious (and occasionally conscious) awareness of our posture, tone of voice, and assorted microexpressions (that at least Customs agents are formally trained to look for).

 

The subconscious nature of this process becomes apparent when we meet someone and almost instantly decide that we just don't like or trust them even though we have no evidence or rational reason for feeling that way. Often such a person will eventually do something that validates our intuitive concerns, and we probably had those concerns because we subconsciously detected reliable (and also subconscious) signs of deception (or fear, or disgust, or hatred, etc.).

 

In general, law enforcement and children seem to be the most tuned-in to these intuitive 'alerts,' probably because noticing them can be a matter of survival in those cases. So I tell people to mind their minds when talking to "authorities" and to hold the thought in their head that they're talking to another human being whom they respect to the same degree they would like to be respected (even if they have no respect for the law or badges or cops in general). It minimizes the friction in dicey encounters and IME helps de-escalate things whereas manifesting an attitude of extreme contempt for someone while we talk to them (cop or not) tends to have the opposite effect even if we're otherwise saying all the right things.

 

It's uncanny how young children can see right through me while their parents or other random grown-ups are largely oblivious; if I don't shave for a couple of days and am wearing dirty work clothes from renovating houses I might get concerned, furtive glances my way from the few Normals who look up from their phones anymore (like I might try to mug 'em or something). But even if I make the meanest, most angry-looking scowl I can muster it never fools anyone under the age of 8 or 9 (they just openly laugh right in my face, which made me wonder what they could see -since I really am no threat to anyone- that their parents could not).

 

 

 

The point of all this being that it's probably a good idea to assume that cops AND children can read our minds, so we should maintain a high degree of mental discipline as far as our thoughts are concerned whenever we interact with them (with cops so we don't get harassed or railroaded and with children so we don't fuck their heads up too much).


Edited by TVCasualty, 01 January 2017 - 02:09 PM.

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#26 happy4nic8r

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 12:30 AM

I had my first child at 19, my first acid at 17. I tried to not have kids but I think they get top choose their parents and when they want to be born and it's not really up to the parents.

 

It was not fun, in fact it so totally changed my life I was sure that it was that one "mistake" that was to blame for everything forever in my life that I didn't like or thought could have been better.

 

I grew up, luckily, and had a lot of sense slowly pounded through my thick skull/ I had no internet to bounce my crazy thoughts off of, in fact pretty much nobody was there to listen.

 

I'm surprised daily that we have made it this far as a species, but we have, and I'm now a really happy father of three kids and four grandkids. They are happy to know me and proud of my crazy. I had to ignore howI felt, and just fucking go to work and do what is right toi do.


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#27 JanSteen

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 02:50 PM

 

I thank you for that perspective Heirloom.

If I didn't give a shit, would I post this? Also, it's not a permanent feeling. It's this stage. I have problems communicating with the kids who can't talk or process higher thoughts. I don't have the ability. I'm using the, 'fake it til you make it's technique. I can't put my heart into it just because i feel bad.

I'm not talking life problems. I'm talking, I just bought my kids a new bedroom everything, and my son just tore all the blinds off the window. As a baby, he doesn't nothing to counter this feeling, and because my brain, I don't just automatically like a baby.

When the kids are old enough to be told stories, which the older one is getting there, be a person even in the smallest bit, it will be easier.

I really don't see how me having feelings about the situation is inherently wrong...

 

I see a healthy parent with healthy doubts and considerations.. There's nothing wrong with that. Trying to get on a kids level is never the answer, let the kid get up to your level. Whether you use perfect formed sentences, or baby words, the person in a diaper responds to trigger words he/she has learned. All things around it, don't matter. The intonation does, but the exact context does not until the age of 4. Be yourself, be the parent as you are. It will take another 20 years to know for sure if that worked out. I've been forced to follow developmental psychology classes at uni for 2 years, and the only thing that they showed me for sure is that there is no definitive perfect way to parent. All the rest is statistical magic (and scoring persons based on behaviour in a poor, poor way) that doesn't even add up if you redo the study.

Where everybody sees the narcissist, I see somebody who just wants to do it right, but feels he can't. I've read it with different glasses maybe, since I don't have kids, I just have been taking care of them every once in a while, and I studied a lot from the books.

My uncle treats his kids as he treats me: man to man talk, straight up. If he doesn't like it, he speaks it out. The same goes with his kids towards him. I don't totally agree with that. But his kids are turning out pretty fine both emotionally developed and intelligence wise. My nephew, age 12 can talk about politics like an adult. My niece age 14 finishes adult books in days and knows every capital of the world just by pointing at a map. At the same time, they love blowing up pumpkins with fireworks, and I'm the older nephew who can fix that stuff. They come to me with issues about their love life (as far as there is anything going on at that age). I've never asked for that, I hated kids until the age of 21 and I used to be convinced that sterilisation would be best for me (and half of the world population, but that's another subject). Now I'm not sure anymore, and your story exactly shows what I'm afraid of.

I know the screeching sounds all too well, I fucking hate it. Hearing kids scream for over 3 seconds makes me want to put them in a blender and burn the house down afterwards. Is that sickening? Yes. It is an awful thought. But it does comes to mind, and I'm just being honest here. That doesn't change the fact that I can handle kids pretty well, and I've even been hired as a baby sitter a few times by our neighbours to watch their toddlers. They have watched their CCTV's and they've seen I do just fine. I have super awesome moments as being as stand-in parent, as long as I have an escape. That awesome, long lasting escape.
I think you need that too. A few days off every month, on which you go fishing with some friends and get shitfaced. It takes the edge off and makes things a lot more bearable. It also gives you a few days to vent. There's need for that nowadays. Since everybody wants to be all politically correct and they want to be the perfect person they seem to be on social media, it's freaking hard to find somebody to pour your heart out to.

Once true friends with kids have become poster-people who can only love and love and love and freaking lie about how much they love everything. My dad had that same issue; nobody around wanted to listen to him complain about life, even though all of his friends were dealing with the same problems. He told me, some 23 years later, how much he struggled. He was a good dad, he was always there for us, and still is. But damn, that guy had issues with himself and he had nobody to talk to about it. If he ever got angry he would say things only a deadbeat drunk junkie would say if you took away his needle. After our talks, I now understand where that came from. He became a vessel of despair, and everybody thought he was just a hateful person towards his kids. The fact of the matter is: he did great and he had a hard time figuring out what to do right or wrong the entire time. Even now, he still fucks it up sometimes by being the person he is. But that's human. We all say and do stupid shit sometimes, that doesn't define us as a person entirely. My mom doesn't understand what he's thinking, what he has been through, she knows nothing but love. I remember the tears of joy that poored down my dad's cheeks when he finally got to vent with me. About me, about my sisters, about my brother and all things family related. Now, he's happy he never ran away. But he had wanted to for sooo many times.

Nowadays he regularly calls me to hang out and have a drink together and bitch about the world, no holds barred. True ventilation, as it should be. We Dutch call it Kankeren. Literally cancering. All the negative tumors that have grown on a subject, can be shaken off by just venting really well about it. Exaggeration and humor is key. There's a reason why the Dutch are both one of the happiest persons on the planet, and also the most complaining people on the planet. Those things go hand in hand.

Not sure if this incoherent pile of text will help anybody, just putting it out there. Venting ;-)
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#28 Coopdog

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 05:32 PM

I grew up in a house feeling very much as your kids must feel at this point. There was no love or affection whatsoever. My Dad was (and still is) a rather notorious biker and has been a hard rolling, partying, fistfighting violent sumbitch his entire life and now at 75 you still would not want to run your mouth to him in a bar. My Mom lost the wild side as she got older, but through our entire childhood they were both going at it hard as hell. They had bloody terrible fights which mom usually came out the worse off, but not always. They had no idea what to do with kids. We were just the midgets that lived upstairs and ate all the food to them I think. The one concession they made to parenting was to keep the fridge full. Got all my first drugs out of the kitchen cupboards. We ran wild and did whatever we wanted even to the point of not coming home and nobody cared. The world was different back then though.

 

The point to all of that though, is that my brother and I turned out ok despite that. Both of us did the opposite of what our parents did as far as our relationships went. Both of us are loyal and dependable guys. The Difference is, that he still burns with hate over not having had love and care as a kid. I ended up with a wife I loved enough to keep when I was just 18 years old, whereas he has never had a honest connection with another human being in his life. He had a vasectomy at about 23, and rightly so as he recognized that he didn't have that stable connection to others and especially kids. That did not get him off the hook however and he has raised 3 batches of kids including his girlfriends heroin refugee grandkids that he is raising now.

 

He is trying, and I can tell he is trying to have that emotional attachment that he craves. It just isn't there for him because he doesn't know what it is. He has come to hate the lady he is living with because she inflicted these kids on him, and he recognizes that the kids need.... more than he can give them, and he does have a heart because he knows it is going to destroy the kids for this household to fall apart too. However he is coming up on 50 and has spent half of his life raising kids he never wanted to have and doing things he did not want to do out of some sense of obligation to something he doesn't even get to have.

 

My point to all of this is that growing up in a house like that I didn't know how fucked up it was until I got the hell out of there and had some more perspective. Your kids may realize their lack of connection when they get older, or maybe not. I didn't know the difference when I was a kid, but my brother obviously did and is wounded deeply to this day by it all.

 

Honestly I withheld my comments on this thread as I needed my thoughts to gel into something besides just raking you over the coals for having kids and not doing right by them, but I think that happens in a lot of homes and people, and the kids, just get through it. I hope somehow you can get through it too while at the same time I am torn and want to tell you to please get away from the kids if you can't love them, because somebody might just love the hell out of them. Life is never simple nor black and white, and this one is all sorts of shades of gray lol. I feel you have taken the criticism on here better than I would and you have my respect for responding well to that at least. You might do better than you think with it all just for having vented a bit as someone above said. Good luck with it all regardless.

 

Peace...


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#29 ChimX

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 05:38 PM

I will probably feel ashamed for revealing this but


It would bother me to think that you'd feel ashamed or regret having posted that HS. It struck a chord with me and made me reflect on my own family and youth. How you feel about it only portrays a sincere individual with a beautiful heart. Thanks for posting.

(P.S. I picked up a copy of the Tao Te Ching last week after having read your sig. You've passed me a beautiful light that had escaped my attention entirely. 'Metta' to you.)
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#30 happy4nic8r

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 06:12 PM

i have personally found this posting brought some really heartfelt, and well put rambles on life, children and parents to only name a few. 

 

What a community of spirits we have gathered here. I rejoice!!


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#31 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 06:28 PM

This thread makes me sad.

I would give anything to have a few more moments with my kids as they were when they were toddlers... It went by so fast, and it's a fucking miracle that they all turned out so well. I cherish that time and those memories, and I always will.

And no LSD trip will ever rise to the level of preciousness those times represent to me.

That's all I have to say.
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#32 happy4nic8r

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Posted 02 January 2017 - 08:51 PM

This thread makes me sad.

I would give anything to have a few more moments with my kids as they were when they were toddlers... It went by so fast, and it's a fucking miracle that they all turned out so well. I cherish that time and those memories, and I always will.

And no LSD trip will ever rise to the level of preciousness those times represent to me.

That's all I have to say.

nuff said.


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#33 fungi2bwith

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Posted 03 January 2017 - 03:59 AM

Coop, I feel you bro, half of my family consists of notorious "outlaws" as well(the name "PigPen" comes to mind, chopped up and left in a 50 gallon drum on the side of the highway by the H.A.'s MC)......glad we broke that cycle....

 

I waited to have kids...., not really, in all honesty....(actually, out of the 20-30 women I've slept with, i never wore protection...{thank god they were clean}, I just so happened to get my wife of 7 years, together 9 years, pregnant now...) ....I have a whole story about that and how I believe my soon to be son is actually my dog reincarnate.....but that's for a different thread......I'm in my mid 30's, my wife is in her early 40's.....We partied our brains out, moved across the country, and now we are ready to settle down...everything, surprisingly, went exactly according to plan......Now, I continue on my personal genetics through pro-creation.  This also gives me someone to pass on my extensive cactus collection too(which is more of an investment into my childs future, i started really collecting once I found out we were prego)....the way I see it, 50-100$ a cactus now(10 yr old cacti), in 18-20 years, I should be able to get roughly 500-1000$ per plant(I don't know how much a 30+ year old loph. goes for...)or have expanded my collection via seed propagation...

 

The things I've really been thinking about, with my wife being a month away from giving birth, are, what knowledge do I want to pass down first? Will my kid be interested in botany and biochem....?  Will I be able to mold the next alexander shulgin or terrence mckenna.....My thoughts and hopes for my child are that he is successful in whatever he loves doing.....I loved all the subjects above mentioned, and if he veers a different direction, so be it, I just hope he's the best at what he does.....

 

I've always been interested in drugs, and counter culture.....I had no idea I could have made a career out of it. My parents sent me to an outdoor therapeutic school for troubled teens because they believed I was addicted to marijuana....I had an interest in it...I wanted to grow it....if my needs/interests had been nurtured instead of ignored and fought against, I could have possibly been one of the top leading breeders of cannabis today, no shit.....but, my parents always told me "Tough shit, Pot will never be legal in my lifetime or yours".......LMAO...shows what the fuck they knew.....

 

k, end of rant.....JanSteen, you wrote some heartfull stuff up there.....probably just as unbiased as tvcasualty's posts.....well done.....

 

Akari......Take all this in. Strive to be the best parent there is.....although you may not feel that way inside all the time....your children see right through you, so some sincerity is needed....I hope you get this figured out...positive vibrations your way bro....

 

And if anything, when you are old and unable to care for yourself, you will definitely want someone(your kids) to be able to either care for you, or put you in a PRIVATE(expensive) nursing home.....I know first hand, my wife's career is in nursing homes and you don't want to be stuck in some of the ones I've seen......You ever seen pureed spaghetti and meatballs?(no seasoning, cuz salt isn't allowed in seniors diets in a nursing home).......fuckin' gross...  Also, the only mind altering substances you'll get are the opiates they are passing out every 5 hours....


Edited by fungi2bwith, 03 January 2017 - 04:34 AM.

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#34 Akari

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 01:55 PM

I had planned to copy and reply to everyone individually. That has now become a monumental task. We are all one. I will reply to you as one.

First, I'd like to note, it's been a trifecta of knowledge from other universe. I'm assuming at least ONE of you has watched Weeds the show. The ONE of you can further explain what I mean. But one of my children has the name of one of Nancy's children. Almost named after him. Later in the series, the kids don't respect her so much after a lifetime of less than reputable decisions. It changed my perspective. I smoked DMT last night for the first time in a while. I'm too experienced to say it was a 'bad trip', but it wasn't fun in anyway. Sparing details, they showed me what my young kids felt like before I had started making changes. How they felt caged in their strange new realities, and their guide ignored them, leaving them lost and confused. And they showed me my changes made a difference, but more is required.

Then these posts. So much knowledge here. And I can only thank God for allowing me to be part of this community.

Someone made a mention of, 'How my kids must feel'. Living in a household totally void of love isn't how my household is at all. I love my children. And I at worst feign interest in their baby minds. It's just that, I am more like the brother mentioned. I am trying to be this person, do this thing, but I was never showed how. And I've had many kids back to back, (spare me the quips,) and I've handled my shit. But after a while, I'm cracking up mentally. After 5 years straight of shitty diapers, it begins to feel a bit like slavery. Not many people have a lot of kids nowadays, and those who do probably font share my exact perspective.

One person I have to reply to directly is SteampunkScientist. Your perspective is exactly the thing. People feel that way. And that's beautiful. But in my brain, it's just like how colorblind people are colorblind, I've tried to obtain that emotion for small children. But I just can't. That may make me evil, but I didn't raise myself. (Or moreso I DID. And that's the problem.) My dad left when I was two. My mom didn't abuse me. She neglected me, but in a way my young mind couldn't understand. Like the lotus eaters, my mom gave me a video game. Unrestricted access. Cartoons. So I thought I was happy Vegeta was my dad. All my ideas of society came from fiction. My mother almost never interacted with me. So I never developed social skills. So my empathy with a baby is just impossible, because they can't even communicate, and I can barely make meaningful connections to people who can. I always felt this way about small children, but I thought it would melt away when I had kids of my own.

This problem cost me my first two kids. They live far away with their mom, and I'm not financially stable enough to continuously travel the immense distance to have been an object in their lives. I really want my son to be different. I'm getting better. All these things are helping. I'm implementing more discipline, and learning to love the kids more by ignoring their natural processes as TV mentioned. And just being content with what is.

Once their in the 4-7 range it will be easier. The oldest kid I deal with is really difficult because she is not mine. She is my step. And her real father taught her to hate me, but recently she came out with the fact that he had abused her. So she has a lot of problems, and it's hard to deal with them, because only recently has she realized I'm the good guy. She's four, so I guess his brainwashing started to wear off. So she's extra extra extra affectionate. Which is the total opposite of me. She's hyper emotional. And I'm almost Satan. Though I've come a long way, and am a good person, my life has just made my heart cold. And I feel the love sometimes, but I'm no where near a patient, free spirit, and I swear, she's the most annoying child ever. She has ADHD. She never stops talking. Whenever you ask her to go to her room for adult time. Like if we wanna smoke, or watch Game of Thrones, we'll set up cartoons for her, and her mind can't even handle the interval between one hit. "Hey, I need to take a shower now." Randomly. "Can I have a hug and a kiss?" And it's weird. Shes a girl, she's not mine, so it's automatically weird, but on top of that, I am not affectionate AT ALL. It's a special warm moment for me and my wife to hold hands. I'm not the hold hands everywhere make out for 5 hours guy. So this little girl being the Goddess of Warmth and Cuddles is exhausting to me.... Just letting you in on my brain. Lol
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#35 Akari

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Posted 05 January 2017 - 07:07 PM

Also, it's worth admitting, I had a dog as a kid. I failed that test. I abandoned my dog. Something I think about everyday, especially in retrospect to being a parent now.

#36 SteampunkScientist

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 07:57 AM

Akari, I in no way meant to hurt you with my remarks, and while I may not be able to get into your headspace myself, I can at least have a mindfulness about your direct honesty about it.

And the fact that you recognize where you are at, and what you feel are you emotional deficiency, and yet you push through it and are doing the right things as best you can....Well. that is actually rather heroic to be sure.

To do what is right, when it grates against your inner sensabilities is a tough road. Most people would not be honest about this, even to themselves.

The fact is, perhaps we are all a little afraid of our deficiencies... We don't like being reminded about them. But if we face them head on, then perhaps we can finally fill those voids.

When I said this thread made me sad, in all honesty I must admit to those times when I wish I had been better, was part of that sadness. Please don't take it as an abmonition against you.

Edited by SteampunkScientist, 06 January 2017 - 07:58 AM.


#37 Akari

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Posted 06 January 2017 - 03:31 PM

No. I understand why it makes you sad. It makes me sad. I wish I had what they wanted. I wish I could be more for them now, but I'm assuming every parent has the age that's easiest for them. I can't handle little babies and kids. I didn't feel admonished.
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#38 Guy1298

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Posted 16 January 2017 - 07:40 PM

I only read the first page. Just thought I'd put some thoughts down.

 

I'd take these feelings about your children, etc., to be something to move past. In my opinion, psychedelics should make you see your problems, but eventually leave you with a perspective of love and understanding, and determination to be better in the future. If you're not getting that, something's wrong, in my opinion. 






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